Back to reality

Today is my last day off from work, my last day of complete freedom to do what I want…which usually ends up being sat in front of the tv half watching films while writing endless lists of better things I should be doing in my head.

Its been two and a half months since I last sat at my desk in my lonely corner of the office by coughs-a-lot lady and I’m not all that excited to be going back.

Today it’s ten past eight and I’m still lounging in bed with these two cuties…tomorrow I’ll already be in work, logged on and mindlessly deleting emails.

I’m sure there will be lots of awkward conversations where I will need to reassure people so that they feel comfortable being around me, I’m ready for that. I have to remember that although I might want to talk about Felicity all the time, others might not want to hear it so I need to be as considerate of their feelings as they are of mine.

Im abit of a talker so hopefully I can pull that off!

I think my main worry is dealing with those people who were horrible to me while I was pregnant. Those who stressed me out, made me unhappy and generally made my working life miserable. I will never forgive them for taking away even one second of my enjoyment of Felicity and I doubt they will ask me too because they won’t even consider their actions.

I’m sure tomorrow these people will be super friendly, full of pitying looks and sighs for my terrible plight. I’m not good at holding back what I think but tomorrow I pray that I can hold my tongue. Self-restraint when I’m at my most emotional…should be fun!

To help me get through it I’ve devised my five rules of survival:

1) wear smart but loose fitting clothes – I’m carrying a few extra pounds and look about 12 weeks pregnant, I can do without the whisperings that I might be expecting again already (or that I’m carrying a few extra pounds!). I’ve also had my haircut and new glasses. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t transformed into Beyonce but I figure when people are looking a little uncomfortable I can say ‘how’d you like my new do…’ to break the ice.

2) make a conscious effort to get up and speak to my friends – the more friendly faces the better, walking around might burn some of those excess calories I mentioned… and the less time spent sitting alone the smaller the opportunity for the less welcome visitors to approach!

3) have my soundtrack to the day prepared – I have my phone ready with my happy soundtrack (Hall and Oates, Terence Trent Darby, a bit of the Nashville soundtrack…you know the classics ) so I have a pick me up to hand and I also have the song Husband and I play to remind us of Fliss. If I’m starting to feel sad I’m going to take myself off to a room on my own, listen to the song, cry if I need to, then go back to my desk. Being able to put my head phones in just allows me some ‘me-time’ if its getting a bit much.

4) be ready to admit that I don’t know what to say either – when people ask if I’m okay, if I am I’ll answer, if I’m not I’ll say ‘I’m not sure how to answer that at the moment to be honest but how have you been?’. Got to keep my responses positive if I’m going to stay positive and not invoke the pity I fear. This will be my standard response to all ‘Im so sorry for your loss, bet you’re glad to be back, I can’t imagine how you feel’ type conversations.

5) tell people it’s okay to talk about Felicity, to ask me questions about her. I miss her so sometimes I might get sad but I need to reassure people its not because they’ve bought her up. Not talking about her makes her feel less real, like she was never here. To know that someone remembers her and know how much she means to me is wonderful.

Okay I’m as ready as I’ll ever be…oh and for those who are now googling Hall and Oates here’s my favourite to save you the trouble. This is their song used in the film 500 days of Summer because this is obviously how my first day back is going to be

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